For many people, driving a motor vehicle induces a personality change. Outside the car, I’m an easy-going guy. But, behind the wheel, a hot-headed fool sometimes takes over my body as manifested by such things as impolite thoughts, clinched fists (to prevent more suggestive hand gestures), clenched teeth (to prevent verbalizing impolite thoughts), and accelerated pulse.

What is it, Scroggins, you may ask, that triggers the alternate personality? Let’s review a partial list of driving behavioral syndromes that provoke the change.

Tailgaters - Some people apparently feel so self-important, they drive as if their presence in the rear-view mirror should steer drivers to the shoulder as would an ambulance or police vehicle. Others merely like your car and wish they could be in your back seat or truck bed. Of course, NASCAR fans know this drafting technique gains an extra lap or two from a tank of gas. Taken for granted are quick reflexes, reliable brakes, good tire traction, and of course, working brake lights.

Sunday Drivers - These are people who have all day to get where they’re going and----by-golly----they’re going to take all day. They search for expressways in order to reach their top-end speed of approximately 25 mph. They always wait until morning rush-hour to begin their journeys and they begin the return leg during evening rush-hour. I’ve never known why they’re called "Sunday" drivers since they never drive on Sunday except between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. when there’s plenty of church traffic.

Line-Cutters - These drivers ruthlessly jockey to gain that coveted two-car-length lead in the race. It’s hard to resist foiling them occasionally when I see one make ten lane-changes to come abreast of me and I know he wants the slot in front of me. They often hold up a finger to acknowledge that I’m number one. I always smile appreciatively. These same people courteously wait their turn in the grocery check-out line. Go figure.

Bulb-Savers - (Sometimes called "Stealth-Cruisers") These drivers refuse to turn on their head-lights except under pitch-black moon-less conditions. Merely a fog, rain, or quarter-moon and you can forget it. No way they’re going to waste tungsten or halogen filament on that! Studies show they gain an average of 0.0000347 more miles per gallon of fuel and even more if the car has those wind-dragging pop-up head-lamps. The fuel savings help to partially defray the increased insurance premiums. For some reason, the studies revealed, Bulb-Savers have more accidents.

Menacing-Musicians - This syndrome illustrates a positive change resulting from vehicle operation: enhanced musical abilities. Eight stereo speakers and a little extra volume really optimize my voice quality. Some drivers play air guitar, air drums, or dance. I gave those up for the sake of safety and now do vocals only. The most menacing form of this syndrome comes when combined with Tailgater behavior. As they rock their heads like those once popular head-bobbing dogs, you can count nose hairs in the rear-view mirror.

Contrarians - (Sometimes called "Illiterates" or more often "#&*%@!") These are people who always do the opposite of whatever a sign tells them to do. A sign declares "Stop"; they roll through. A sign on a freeway exit ramp instructs "Right Turn Keep Moving"; they stop. A sign commands "Yield"; they won’t. You get the idea, right? Don’t say "no".

Traffic-Signal-Narcoleptics - These drivers are uncontrollably compelled to sleep in motionless cars waiting for traffic signals. Spot them by looking for drool on their clothing.

There are, of course, local variations to the above-described syndromes which are typically more pronounced the larger the city. For example, Atlanta Tailgaters observe a standard six inch buffer between bumpers where Macon Tailgaters often hang back as far as two feet. Ask your insurance agent for more details.

Limited space prevents me from describing several other major syndromes. Look for part two of the series to learn more.

 Copyright Ó1997 Steve Scroggins - All rights reserved.